|
|
Jokes I thought I heard at a Festive Board Don’t come back to us if
you try these and then get banned from speaking at your lodge’s Masonic Festive Board ! All joke
suggestions gratefully received! Last updated July 2008 *** A chap out for a walk
bumps into a pal, who just has the one arm. *** The Comedian Tommy Cooper (helps if you can imagine the voice!)
was clearing out his loft when he came upon an old painting and a violin.
Thinking they might be valuable, he took them to the auction house to be
valued. After studying them, the valuer said “Mr Cooper, I have good news and I have bad news”. “What’s the good news?” Tommy Cooper asked “The good news is that you have a Stardivarius
and a Caneletto” “Fantastic! What’s the bad news?” Tommy Cooper asked “Well Mr Cooper, the bad news is that Stadivarius
was a very bad painter and Caneletto was no good with
violins” *** I heard that Brritish
Rail (BR) Complaints department recently got a letter from a disgruntled passenger
who wrote:- “I am writing to complain about your
Guildford to It is overcrowded with nowhere to sit
on long journeys and frankly, better transport was available two thousand
years ago.” “Dear customer” replied BR “We are sorry to hear you are disappointed with our service. Meantime, we remind
you that travel was not better two
thousand years ago as travel in those
days was virtually all on foot.” “Dear BR I thank you for your letter
of the 14th inst and I refer you to 1 Kings 14 where it
clearly states that Absolem rode to – a comfort rarely enjoyed by your
customers!” Yours sincerely … *** A woman’s husband has been slipping in
and out of a coma for months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, he comes to. He motioned for
her to come nearer and with tears welling in his eyes he whispers “You know
what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired. You
comforted me. When my business failed, you supported me. When I got shot, you
nursed me to health. When we lost the house, you endured living in a shabby
doss house. Now my health is failing, you are still right by my side. You
know what?” “What dear?” she asks eagerly. “I
think you’re bad luck; why don’t you piss off!” *** A blind man walks into a bar and while being served, asks whether
anyone would mind him telling a “blond” joke. The woman behind the bar replied “Well, you can tell a blond
joke in here but bear in mind I am blond, my partner over there is blond, the
woman sitting next to you is the County mud wrestling champion and is blond,
the woman sitting the other side of you is a karate instructor and she’s
blond and the woman whose just walked in has just been let out for murder and
she’s blond too. So do you think you really want to tell a blond joke?” “No” said the blind man. “Not if I am going to have to repeat
the punch line five times” *** Three men died just before christmas
and went to the gates of heaven where St Peter informed them that to get in,
they had to show him something with a Yule-tide flavour. The first man snapped off some twigs from a bush nearby and
held them out explaining, somewhat feebly, that it was a Christmas Tree.
“Very Good” said St Peter, wearily, “go in”. Man number two struck a match and held it aloft
proclaiming that it was a reminder of the star of The third man then pulled out from his pocket and held up a
pair of knickers. “What the devil is the meaning of that?!” exclaimed St
Peter. The third man protested “But they are Carol’s!“ *** A salesman rings and a little boy
answers the phone “Hello, can I please speak to the man
of the house?” asks the man “no” whispers the boy, “he’s busy” “Oh, can I please speak to your mum
then?” the salesman asks “No” replied the little boy, “she’s
busy” “Ok, who else can I talk to?” “The Fire Brigade” the boy whispers “Can I speak to the fireman then please?” the salesman asks
incredulously “no” whispers the boy, “he’s busy” “Ok, Ok” the salesman replies, “who
else is there I can speak to?” “The Police” the boy whispers, “But
they’re busy too” “What?!” shouts the salesman, “What
are they all doing then?” The little boy replies, still in a
whisper “looking for me” *** Two minor poets, John and Tim died and
went up to the Pearly Gates and were met by St Peter. “Sorry guys” he said, “I only have
room for one minor poet today, So I will only admit the poet that writes
the best poem ending with the word Timbucktoo”. The first poet quickly penned “John and Tim went a’strolling in the country morning dew enjoying the delightful plains a’rolling on their way to Timbucktoo The other thought, “surely I can do
better than that?” After what seemed like an age, he found inspiration and
quickly scribbled: “Tim and me, a-huntin' went. *** A fresh faced lad on the eve of his wedding
night Goes to his mother with the following
question. “Mum, why are wedding dresses white?” The mother looks at her son and
replies, “Son, this shows the town that your
bride is pure.” The son thanks his mum and goes off to
double-check this with his Father, “Dad why are wedding
dresses white?” The father looks at his son in
surprise and says, “Son, all household appliances come in
white.” *** Man runs home and burst in saying, "Sweetheart, I have just won the
lottery, all six numbers, £10,000,000 so pack your
bags." "Oh wonderful" she replies,
"shall I pack for the beach or the mountains" " I don't care" he says, "just
piss off!". *** A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to
ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk,
he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into
her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and
says, “Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as
your breast, I know you'll forgive me.” She replies, “Sir, If your penis is as
hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221.” *** A businessman boards a flight and is
lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They
exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual
about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, “This is a very interesting book about
sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have
the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average
diameter. “By the way, my name is Jill, what's
yours?” He coolly replies, Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you." *** A man walks into a very posh blonde on his arm. “Show the lady your
finest mink!” the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in the
back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the
lady tries it on, the furrier sidles up to the guy and
discreetly whispers, “Ah, Sir, that particular fur goes for
$65,000.” “No problem! I'll write you a cheque” “Very good, Sir.” says the shop owner,
“Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the
cheque has cleared.” So the man and the woman leave. On
Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged: “How dare
you show your face in here?! There wasn't a single penny in your
checking account!!” “Yes, sorry about that but I just had
to come by,” grinned the guy, “to thank you
for the most wonderful weekend of my life!” *** It should be stressed that none of the jokes herein
have been endorsed, approved or are in any way countenanced by UGLE or
any other masonic body or by freemasons generall. The
author often gets ticked off for some of the jokes. If you object to any,
email us and we will tick him off yet again and take them down. We don’t wish
to offend – honest! |
|
|
|
|
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|